


Not Now Cas

by LM84



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Castiel (Supernatural), Bullied Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel and Jimmy Novak are Twins (Supernatural), Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Domestic Violence, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loneliness, Orphan Castiel (Supernatural), Suicide Attempt, abandoned castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 09:16:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19423000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LM84/pseuds/LM84
Summary: Here if you need a cry...UPDATED FOR TYPOS AND A FEW BITS ADDED.I don’t know what changed, but just as I started to feel like I belonged, I seemed to fade into the background...It's the little things that matter, just a little bit of kindness can go a long way. And what happens when there is no one left to give it, doesn't bear thinking about.





	Not Now Cas

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a cry and to get some shitty feelings out, so approach with caution, there is literally nothing happy about this.  
> I'd say enjoy, but... well here you go.

I’ve never been really popular. My twin, Jimmy was the popular one. Despite the fact we looked identical, we were polar opposites and not in the good way; It meant we were never very close. It was sad really. Every other set of twins I've seen or heard about were best friends as well as siblings. Even other people with brothers and sisters, who would fight all the time, still had that bond that meant, in the end, they'd always come through for each other. People with that were never truly alone, but that wasn't us. That wasn't me and Jimmy. Everywhere we went I was lonely, while my brother was friends with everyone in school, I struggled to fit in. Surrounded by people in the halls and in the classroom, but always somehow alone, my existence was pretty meek until sophomore year.

10th grade, I found, wasn't so bleak as the others had been. Somehow, I'd been adopted by a group of the most unlikely friends and after years of thinking I was better on my own, I realised that I really wasn't. Sam Winchester, Charlie Bradbury, Kevin Tran and Garth Fitzgerald made my life infinitely better. And then there was Dean. Dean had always been there. We’d been friends as long as I could remember, since we were very young we were inseparable. Unfortunately he'd been at a different school until that year, but he and his brother had transferred in the spring. Yet, despite their kindness I always struggled not to feel like an outsider, especially when it came to Dean. I don’t know why but out of all of them, he was the one I felt the strongest connection with, but equally he seemed to revel in teasing me for my differences. I think he meant well, but it didn’t always feel that way, and nevertheless he was my best friend and for the first time at school, I was happy enough with life.

I don’t know what changed, but just as I started to feel like I belonged, I seemed to fade into the background.

At first it was just the little things. I’d tried to say 'hi' to Dean in the corridor, but he ignored me in favour of speaking to his friend, Benny. Benny didn’t like me, I don't know why, but it didn't seem to bother Dean. Maybe Dean just hadn't seen me. Then it was at lunch. I can’t remember what I wanted to ask him. It wasn’t important, but he was busy with this new girl, Lisa.

“Not now Cas.” He’d said. Dean was a known ladies’ man and I didn’t want to be a nuisance. I didn’t take it to heart. Not back then.

Then it was the day my parents were stuck in traffic coming back from a conference. It was cold outside and raining and I’d forgotten my coat. Jimmy had gone to the cinema with his friends and I had no lift home. I found Dean at the end of school, hoping he could drive me at least halfway to my house. It looked like he was waiting for someone when I approached. “Hi Dean, could I…” I had started, but Dean never let me finish.

“Sorry Cas, not now.” He'd said and that’s when Lisa showed up. I walked home in the rain and was freezing by the time I got there, only to realise that Jimmy had the keys so I'd sat there on the step until Mom and Dad got home two hours later. I got the flu, but that was no surprise. Nor were the next three days I spent off sick from school. But still, it was my own fault, I never forgot my coat again.

……………………………………..

It was my 16th Birthday when I really started to feel alone. My brother was having a big party, and Sam, Charlie and Garth were friends with us both, so that meant they were going to be there. Of course, the rest of the school was going too. Everyone loved Jimmy. They didn’t like me so much. I was weird... a freak even and I'd be lying if I said I never let them get to me. They did.

In fact, Dean was the only person I knew who didn’t get on with my brother. I never knew why really, but they clashed. That was why I went to him the day of the party. As much as I loved my brother, we weren’t close and despite what my parents had said it was no joint party. It was my brother’s show and I didn’t want to be there. I thought maybe Dean would be free, and want to go catch a movie or something, go for ice-cream even. Just the two of us. I found him at the end of school, a smile on his face as he hung up the phone.

“Hi Dean, I was wondering if you… maybe you would want to…”

“Not now Cas. Sorry, I’m really busy right now, but I’ll text you later, yeah? We really need a catch up.”

I nodded and let him go. I watched my phone that evening, while the party got started downstairs. But Dean never did text back. I considered texting him, but decided against it. He was busy and I’d not felt more alone in years as I sat in my room, headphones on and watched Netflix. The hours went by as I gave up on trying to block out the music and get an early night, instead staring at the spot of the ceiling and trying to imagine a time I wasn't so alone.

…………………………

I stopped trying to talk to Dean after that. Stopped trying to talk to anyone really. For a little while I'd found happiness, someone to spend time with, some way to not feel so alone, but nothing good ever lasts. My brother now hated me, because I’d been secretly dating a guy, a college freshman, much older than me, and now the whole school had found out I was gay. Jimmy was getting grief for it and wouldn't talk to me anymore because of it. Half the school now glared at me in the corridors, or shouted insults at me. There'd been no physical violence yet, but I guessed it was only a matter of time. I was right.

The saving grace was Charlie. Charlie was great, after all she was gay too, but I just wanted to spend my time with my boyfriend. I stopped hanging out with my friends and when things started to go wrong, they felt so far way that I couldn’t face going to them for help.

So, I turned to my best friend. I picked up the phone.

“Dean…”

“Not now Cas. Busy.” Dean was out of breath when he answered and hung up immediately, but not before and I heard a woman moan in the background. His girlfriend Lisa. He certainly was busy. I sighed. Lisa and Dean seemed to be getting quite serious. He didn’t have time for me and in the meantime my boyfriend had just hit me for the first time. My fingers traced the bruise around my eye which had started to swell and the blood from my split lip had congealed on my face. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I should leave him, I knew he couldn’t love me if he treated me this way… but I loved him and I didn’t have the strength to go back to being alone, after all, he was all I had any more.

………………………………

“Dean can we talk?”

“I’m sorry Cas now isn’t a good time.”

He was right it wasn’t. I was about to bury my parents and my twin brother. Now I had no one left. My boyfriend had left me straight after the accident, said I was boring and needy. He'd given me a few more beatings over the last month. I hadn’t seen my parents in weeks before they died. They’d been busy, and I wasn’t exactly in their good books. The last things we’d said to each other were mean and nasty. They hadn’t approved of my boyfriend, or that I was gay, though they wouldn’t admit the latter. They’d been right about the first part of course but they couldn’t have known that at the time, I certainly didn’t. Jimmy had hated me for months and my parents hated the effect that my indiscretions were having on their favourite son. But Dean had left me ages ago I realised. I had barely seen him all year, spoken to him even less.

I was alone.

And Dean was busy.

Sam was there, at the funeral that is. He told me how sorry he was. Everyone was sorry. It didn't make it any better though. I like Sam and it was nice to see him, I had missed them, my friends, I missed them all. But Sam wasn’t Dean. Dean had been my best friend since kindergarten and I needed him today, but he wasn’t there. He’d shown me how much I meant to him and apparently it wasn’t very much at all. Deep down I knew that’s how it had always been. As my boyfriend had told me before he left I knew I got attached way to easily. I'd always like my friends more than they like me, after all what had I got to offer as a friend? I was boring, quiet, wierd. I’d never been good enough to have real friends and now, we weren't children anymore, Dean had better options. Better people to spend time with. I had never mattered and I never would.

………………………

“Why are you all dressed up?” Dean asked Sam. It was strange to see his little brother in a suit, dressed all smart. Though he supposed he would have to get used to it when he became a hot shot lawyer. He was so proud of his baby brother, but for some reason he looked sad.

“Dean, where were you?” Sam said, eyes narrowed in sadness and anger, anger that was directed at him.

“What do you mean, what’d I miss?” He asked casually. He had no idea what he'd done this time, but with how Sam was acting it was nothing good.

“The Novak’s funeral.” Sam said bluntly.

Dean blinked. “Wait what?”

“Cas’ Mom, his Dad, Jimmy? They died last week.”

“What, how?” Dean asked in shock, his stomach falling through the floor.

“Car crash. Lorry driver fell asleep at the wheel. Didn’t Cas tell you?”

“No he didn’t.” Dean said and then he realised. “I was at Lisa’s all week. He did ring me but we were in the middle of something. This wasn’t Wednesday was it?”

“Yes Dean. It was Wednesday.” Sam sighed in disbelief. “I can’t believe you. He needed you there, the look on his face. He’s broken Dean, he needs his best friend.”

Dean's heart shattered. He remembered what it had been like to lose Mom and he was just a child then... Cas... Cas had just lost his entire family and he'd been too damn busy to answer the phone, to be there for him at their damn funeral. What kind of shitty friend was he?

“Shit Sammy." Dean breathed shakily. "I didn’t know. I’m going over there right now.”

“Yeah, you better.” Sam scoffed.

He picked up his phone and ran out to the Impala, dialling as he slid into the drivers seat.

“Cas…” He said desperately as his he heard the line connect.

“Not now Dean.” Cas sighed.

“Cas God, I am so sorry. I just heard, I should have been there I…”

“It doesn’t matter Dean.” Cas said calmly.

“Of course, it matters Cas, I’m supposed to be your friend and I’ve been a real jerk recently. I’m so sorry.”

“You were busy, I understand. I’m not important.”

“Yes you are, of course you are important.” Dean said incredulously.

“It’s a bit late to convince me that I matter Dean.” Cas said simply and Dean was astounded by the lack of emotion in his friends voice. His Mother, Father and Brother had just been killed and he just sounded… normal. Something was wrong, something was very wrong.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked nervously

“It’s time for me to go now.” There was an air of finality in his friend’s voice that sent a shiver of terror straight down Dean’s spine.

“Cas?”

“I’m busy Dean.” Cas sighed.

“Cas! Go where? Cas!”

“Goodbye Dean.”

“Cas!” But the line had gone dead.

Dean put his foot to the floor, praying that he’d get there before Cas did anything stupid.

……………………………………….

He got there too late.

Maybe Cas had done it the moment he’d hung up the phone, maybe he’d waited, but either way nothing Dean could have done would have saved his friend. He was angry. So angry. And so very sad. Cas had left a note of sorts but it offered no reason, nothing personal, just an apology…

_‘To whoever finds me and has to deal with the mess I left behind I’m sorry. You deserved better.’_

And it was a mess. A mess that had haunted Dean every night for the last 10 years. There had been blood everywhere. A bullet to the head would do that. Apparently, the gun had been registered to his father, Charles Novak, and the autopsy had shown his stomach was full of Tylenol pills. Cas hadn’t taken any chances. He wanted it to end and he’d made sure it had. And Dean had blamed himself every day since. He’d analysed it all after the fact, realised he hadn’t spent anytime with his best friend in nearly 8 months before he died. He’d missed his Birthday, missed him being outed as gay. He'd even been abused by his boyfriend, and no one had known. It was up to the ME who'd done his post mortem to find that out. Apparently there were months worth of bruises and some half healed bones. No wonder Cas had died thinking no one cared, that he didn’t matter.

And what was Dean's excuse for not being there? He'd been too busy spending time with a girlfriend that hadn’t even worked out, though he supposed that was his fault too. Lisa hadn't deserved what Dean became after Cas died and she knew it. She'd tried to help, but eventually she'd had enough and left him.

Dean sighed at the memories and nodded at the barman who poured him another drink. 10 years ago, today. He raised it to a long missing presence.

“I hope to God you’re in a better place Cas. You deserved so much better.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments really mean the world to us as writers... just one line or a few words takes seconds to write and make our day.  
> So please if you can just type a few words into that comment box below.  
> Thanks for reading.


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